So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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