The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
