Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
