Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
