Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
