My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I understand Curling. That high.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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