I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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