I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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