You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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