Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
