Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
