My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
