In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
