Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
