If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
