I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
