the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
