so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
