i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize