I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
