oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
