Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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