Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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