I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
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I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
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we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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