I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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