I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
