Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
