This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
