There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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