I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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