totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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