I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
