Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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