im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
