my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
As shirtless as possible
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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