I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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