We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
