david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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