U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
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