my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
