Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
