Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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