It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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