It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
