one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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