Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
