if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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