DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
