I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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