From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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