There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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