Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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