...so i touched it.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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