Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
