Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
