Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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